The Caretaker's Concern can be blamed on Wreck-Loose Island Publishing.
Send all complaints to:
WLIPublishing P.O. Box 1521 Bolton Landing, N.Y. 12814

Monday, August 2, 2010

The Caretaker's Concern for 8/3/2010

TCC for 8/3/10:

No photos, no report.

Before there was the blog the Caretaker sent out posts via e-mail, the following is from the Caretaker's second winter on the Island:

Island Ice Report for 4/01/07:

Lake Temperature: Cold. So very, very cold.

I was hoping to not be able to speak from experience this year, like I was last, but the Lake water is still quite cold. Yes, the Caretaker has managed yet again to go through the ice and go for an unplanned swim (not that he would ever plan to go for a swim in the Lake during the winter time). Yes he is quite alright, at least now he is, still a bit chilled but is starting to warm up quite nicely. He would have liked to write and send this off earlier in the day, but his hands have only now started to uncramp from his cold water plunge. Winter swim or not, the Caretaker currently has larger problems to worry about.

It turns out a parent had witnessed the Caretaker's shenanigans yesterday, and so the Caretaker got a phone call from the local police this morning asking him to come down to the State Police Station behind town hall. Needless to say the Caretaker was not exactly looking forward to this meeting, but knowing that there was certainly no way of getting out of it he got his gear together, put on his skis and headed over to the mainland. To make a long story short after all was said and done, the Caretaker was told to not leave town any time soon and that he would be contacted about the matter in the next few days. Let me tell you, things were not looking up for the Caretaker, feeling rather ashamed he drove back to where he parks his car and then headed out on to the ice to ski back to the Island, as you can imagine the Caretaker was at quite a low point, rather sullen indeed. Unfortunately for the Caretaker his mind was elsewhere while crossing the ice back to the Island--as can well be imagined. Distracted as he was he didn't take notice as to his whereabouts on the ice and wound up skiing over a spot on the Lake that had not only separated from pressure but also thinned out due to all the sun we have been having this past week. It was all rather surreal, one moment he was skiing along, the next moment he was up to his neck in water. Distracted as he was it took him a moment or two to even realize what had happened. It all came rushing to him when the cold water fully penetrated his clothing, off in the distance he noticed some people on the ice waving and yelling. Now that the Caretaker was aware he had a really big problem on his hands he started to scramble.

He quick popped the covers off his ice spikes and drove them into the ice to pull himself out. His first attempt just smashed up the ice around him, so he pushed through it and tried again, this time the ice was thick enough to hold. Unfortunately his skis were starting to drag him down and even though he was able to get partially up on the ice he couldn't bring the rest of his body up with his skis on, after trying a few times with no success he knew he had only one choice, he had to go back into the water. After allowing himself to slide back in he kept one hand on the ice while the other worked the bindings frantically trying to get them to release. After a few moments of struggle he was able to get one off, but the other one wouldn't release. After a few attempts he decided to take a chance and let go of the ice with his other hand. He pulled his legs up and drove his head under the water to see what was keeping the binding from releasing and then use both hands to get it to operate. After a few moments struggle he had to come up for air, then plunge back down under again. However this time he did so with such force that he went down about a half foot or so and when he rose back up again still struggling with the binding he came back up underneath the ice, while still working the binding he turned his face to the cold solid ice, there was a dim glow from the sunlight shining through. Just as he felt the press of ice he got the binding to release, then everything went dark...

The Caretaker doesn't know how long he was unconscious for, but he does remember eventually coming to. He was sprawled out flat on his back, facing up to the sky. There was a thin layer of clouds gently obscuring the sun so when he opened his eyes for the first time he wasn't blinded by the light. Blinking a few times it seemed as though seeing was the only sense that had come back to him, the sun through the clouds looked cold. Cold chrome light was shimmering down as if directly in his face. The Caretaker was in almost a dream like state. It was almost as if he wasn't touching the ice but floating just above it, or maybe below it? He didn't know, he didn't care. He was cold, but no longer the dark cold of the water. How long the Caretaker drifted like this he is not sure, but then he was startled when he saw someone over him clapping their hands in his face. The man was mouthing something but the Caretaker couldn't hear. Soon after that the Caretaker was surrounded by a number of people all looking down at him. Shortly after that the Caretaker's other senses quickly came back to him. This all happened in the course of a few seconds but the first sense to return was smell. He was overpowered by the stench of fish blood and guts. Some of the ice fishermen had been gutting there fish on the ice and apparently didn't care about walking through the guts, perhaps it was when they dashed over to where the Caretaker had gone through the ice. The smell was enough to make him want to gag, but then his sense of touch hit him and he was so bitterly cold, it felt as if he was slowly sinking into the ice, becoming a part of the cold solid water. Then, KLAP...! KLAP!
"Hey! HEY! You okay?"
"Mike, you still on with 911? Change your statement, tell them he's conscious.
Then the man turned back to me, "what day is it?"
"What day is it?"
"WHAT DAY IS IT?" He yelled it this time.
"It's April..."
"Not the date, first the day of the week."
"Good, now what's the date?"
At this point the Caretaker's mind was becoming quite clear, "what's the date? Did you rush over here to help me or to abuse me as a calendar?"
"Stop yelling, I can hear you... It's April..."
"It's April First. April fools day."
"That's right, it's April fools day."


To all of you who responded to the "Taping Lollipop's to Beer Cans" story, that too is not true. But the Caretaker does greatly appreciate your concern, and just for the record, the above story is not true either. All of it is false. You must understand that I am many things, but trust me, I would never hand out beer to kids outside of a school with lollipops attached to the cans--I'd do it outside of their church!!!

Now, seriously, should you feel moved to respond to this, please do not respond to all on the e-mail list, either respond just to me, or wait until at least tomorrow afternoon. The reason is that some people may wind up opening your e-mail before they read these two updates and thus the joke will be spoiled for them.

I hope you have had a good first of the month this April Fools Day.

--The Caretaker

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